I think my hair grew

Peep the pregnant nose... lawdamercy!!

So I was supposed to be blogging my natural hair journey and got caught up in everyone else's blogs and journey's and as I look back on pics taken over the past year. I realized.... My hair grew. Check it out:

Standards - The new Black

What’s old is new and full knowledge of your past definitely dictates your future. All those cliche's have proven themselves to be true as I've grown older and assumed more ‘grown-up’ responsibilities. I realize the life I want to live for myself is built on the same foundation on which I was raised and habits that were drilled into me as a child by my mother have become mantra’s by which I live my life. Rules that I once rebelled against I have embraced wholeheartedly as an adult and it took 34 yrs for me to realize the value of her words and the person she was shaping me to become. I thank god for her, even it took me many years to appreciate her.

Things such as moral fortitude, being able to be taken at your word and to stand by your beliefs, being non-judgmental and objective, being a good world citizen are things that I find most important to me now. Yes there is value in recreational things, but the microwave generation only focuses on the pleasure and not the hard work necessary to have that level of enjoyment. Know that you deserve in any relationship (family, friend, personal) to be a valued as the value you place on the people you interact with. I have become disillusioned with this pop culture society that places emphasis on material gains over personal relationships and teaches our young to measure their worth based on how much goods they can accumulate over a life time, how much skin they can show and how much 'partying' they can do in their youth. While I will not deny that the ability to provide a strong stable financial environment for yourself and / or your family is also a measure of a person, as well as the ability to enjoy this experience called life. It is not the final criteria by which character should be judged. I do believe that this physical wealth is a by-product of character wealth.

Never forget to see the good in people because that it currency that never expires and can be used in the leanest and meanest of times and whose yield is infinite to the value of what was invested. As I look forward to once again being a mother, I look at the life I have raised in my 15 yr old baby and the lessons I have imparted to him and learned from him, as well as the mistakes I have made with him because I too was still learning as we grew and that wisdom needed to impart strong values may have blossomed later than sooner. I realize that without him and these experiences I would not now be in a position to face the new challenges that await me. My new mantra is ‘Pedigree is learned not earned’ and morals, etiquette and manners and not reserved only for the wealthy. My life and all its mistakes are a vast wealth of knowledge with which to impart to my son as to how to navigate the pitfalls of life. Life is a fun ride when you comfortable in the skin you are in and know that for good or for bad, you are loved. At the end of the day your biggest contribution to this world is being true to yourself and that will in turn allow you to be true to family and friends.

My only regret so far has been that I have allowed fear to dictate the chances I’ve taken and roads I’ve travelled. Although it is still not too late to shake off those shackles, I am still burdened not only by a fear of failure but to some degree the opinions of others.

I will tell my boys to LIVE and live their BEST life, make good decisions that you will be proud of and that will allow you to hold your head high in the midst of adversity. Be a leader and not a follower but know that sometimes in order to lead you must be willing to follow. Challenge yourself at every turn and no matter how menial the task, perform it as if it was the one thing by which you will be judged. Know that sometimes the road to what you want to do is paved with what you need to do. Never settle for mediocrity or you will end up being like everybody else. Being different is good; it means you are succeeding in making your mark in this world. Parents and grown ups are not perfect and we have made our share of mistakes, learn from them and be better that we could ever hope to be.

Standards are the new black, set them high and you will be a trendsetter for life.

Its an animal

I was delusional this morning into thinking I could wash and wear. I had to raise the white flag to my hair after I couldnt tame it into laying smoothed out and pulled back. Ugh! I dont know I am yah close to calling in the texturizer!!

I am not my hair... but who am I

I'm not sure if it was the haircut, which caused the reinvention, which caused the image adjustment and reacceptance of who I am, but I am at a cross roads. Emotionall, financially, physically, I am in no mans land. Two years ago I felt as if I could conquer the world. I had set my goals and achieved everyone and was enjoying the fruits of my labor, my future was blinding! Fast forward 2 years and I am so down I am under the dumps. My identity, sense of purpose and direction are blurred beyond recognition. All my previous questions of my self worth have resurfaced and I wonder, where the strong determined me has gone. For years I have maintained a well balanced life, repaired many mistakes made in my earlier days and now it seems in the blink of an eye I have managed to wipe clean all my good investment in myself to revert back to the beginning. I feel tired. Just down to the bone tired. I control my destiny, energy in is energy out. I know this and yet why is it so difficult for me to get my engines started?

Its easy to believe that there may be some 'possible' roots set on you. There are some who just dont like me for no reason under the sun other me being me. It is the strangest most hurtful thing. Why Im letting it bother me is BEYOND me, but there is no denying it has gotten to me and in a very big way. Time to shake it all of and get on with the business of living.

Happy to be Nappy? Im not sure

So many moons ago I rocked past the shoulder length dreads that were GOOORGE US! and out of sheer boredom and having maxed out on creative ways to style it, I cut them. That was about 6 yrs ago. Since then I have rocked short permed styles and braids, toying always with the idea of going natural but never committing. So now I'm back and man I forgot the process all together. I have to get used to me again, my whole interpretation of beauty has to be redefined. I have to get used to my naps and styling them and what products to use. 2 months in after the big chop, I almost caved. Fingers hovered over the speed dial button to my stylist, ready to make my appointment to get fried, dyed and laid to the side. But after some pep talk from my best homie and my other half, I'm staying the course. I can do this. This is what God gave me and I can master managing it and look GORGE doing it.

Thursday morning 2/16 - 2 days after

5:10am and my mind is wondering again.
I reign nocturnal in glory that is eternal
Not brave enough to prowl at day
My dreams keep me at bay

No accomplishments, no goals, just living, surviving, allowing
Giving, not getting
Handing not taking
Wondering not realizing
It is time, right now, to stop the whispers in my mind the secrets I share with myself

My heart, beats fast wanting to leave me and live
It pounds in my chest, to the rhythm of the life I live in my subconscious
Forcing me to catch the beat to move and dance and prance to the music of life.
I feel my toes tapping, it starts at the bottom,The drums are growing strong, it is time NOW

AS A DAMN JOKE!!

I dont know how I got back here. After i clawed my way back to good credit, i find my self once again tithering at the brink of disaster. I make stupid choices, i wont even go into what I did for the love of a man. But I tell you what, Im gonna do what I have to in order to get back to where I was before I met him.

Dis Mofo!!!!

I dont get it! Maybe its just my luck or maybe just my attitude towards these things, but I seem to always end up with dealing with jerks!! The latest being this dude that I have been hanging out with who was all hot and heavy and now is slowly falling off the face of the planet and blowing smoke up my rear!!! DA NERVE. I mean really if you get tired of a person or just want to stop seeing them just say so. Since Im not stupid, I get the message but would have just appreciated hearing it. Everytime I tell myself that Im going to just swear them off all together and the first man after to compliment me gets me overheated, Im such a sucka..UGH!! New Year's resolution numero uno, get a spine and stop falling for losers!!